If you have identified as a victim of abuse, you’re not alone. The statistics on child, spousal, and elderly abuse are hard to accept as a reality. It’s difficult to find someone that hasn’t experienced abuse at least once in their lifetime. Some behaviors are blatantly obvious abuse, such as physical violence and sexual assault. But what about the methods that are harder to identify, like emotional and psychological abuse? Many people won’t identify as a victim of these types of abuse, simply because they can’t recognize it. In this blog, we are going to talk about how to identify abuse and how to heal from an abusive relationship. 

Defining abuse

Abuse is a physical, verbal, or energetic behavior that is selfish in nature, and causes destructive suffering to another person or animal. Modern psychology has identified the different types of abuse as physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and financial.  Some would consider abuse to be a pattern of behaviors that were acted out in order to gain control of another person. However, there are many cases in which the abuser didn’t intend to harm the receiver. This can be an unfortunate consequence of unhealed trauma that the abuser failed to address within themselves. 

Identifying abuse

One of the trickiest parts of healing is identifying whether or not you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse is on a spectrum. On one end, it can be apparent. Physical violence and sexual assault are obvious forms of abuse. This behavior is intentionally acted out for the purpose of hurting or gaining control of another person. On the other end of the spectrum, you have manipulation and passive aggression. These behaviors are more difficult to identify since being inconspicuous is part of the goal. The other part is to get you to feel, think, or act in a way that is beneficial to the abuser without you realizing it. This form of abuse can often be unintentional, which means it can be argued that it isn’t abuse at all. 

Create Space

It’s difficult to get a clear grasp on the situation when you are energetically entangled with the other person. Creating space between you two will help you disconnect from the energetic connection so that you can reassess the relationship objectively. Doing things to down regulate your nervous system will further help you to stay grounded while reflecting.  This includes taking a walk in nature or meditating. If they question why you have created space, explain that you are dealing with some personal issues and you need to reflect on them privately. If they do not honor this request and continue to reach out or demand your attention, then this is a sign of disrespect of your boundaries and should be considered a red flag.

Reflect on the relationship

When you have time and space to think about the relationship, there are a few steps you can take to figure out if you are dealing with abuse.

The first step is to ask yourself if it is blatantly obvious abuse. Physical violence, sexual assault, verbal namecalling, and stealing are all obvious signs of abuse. Although some people will try to justify it to protect their partner, this behavior is simply inexcusable. But still, to be in this situation is your choice. You’ll need to make the decision on whether or not this is behavior you are going to tolerate in the future.

Are their intentions selfish?

Unintentional abuse usually stems from selfish intentions.  For example, your partner may continue to have an affair with other people, but is only doing it because of their own insecurities. It is a selfish choice, yet they aren’t doing it to hurt you. This can be classified as inconsiderate initially, but it can also be seen as abuse. Especially if they are fully aware that it upsets you. If it continues, this will lead to the destruction of your emotional and psychological state. In no way is it constructive for the relationship if this is not something that was agreed upon and accepted by both parties.  

Listen to your body and your intuition

Always listen to your body when it comes to protecting yourself from harmful people. Your energetic field picks up on chaotic energy and your body will then respond to it.  If you notice that you start to get anxious or have stomach cramps when you’re around a certain person, your body may be trying to warn you. This is why creating space from them can help you objectively assess how much of an impact that person is having on you, even on a physical level. 

Have a conversation about the behavior

If you find value in the relationship and are willing to work through the issue, then a conversation will need to be had with that person. Positive change can’t manifest if they aren’t aware of the undesired behavior. Although this may be difficult, it’s important if progress is the end goal. Make “I” statements to express how you feel, and focus on the behavior rather than the person. This will ensure that you don’t come have as accusatory.

Gauge their reaction to your request. If they react with sincerity and state that they are willing to adjust their behavior, then the next step is to watch their actions for improvement. If the behavior doesn’t improve, but they continue to say that they will change, then this may be a form of manipulation or cognitive dissonance. Regardless, the benefit they get from their abusive behavior may be a higher priority to them than how you feel. This dynamic will grow to become toxic and unfair to both of you if a middle ground isn’t found. Identifying if you struggle with codependency may be warranted if this is the case.

 If their actions move in the direction of improvement, then patience and positive affirmations should be expressed towards them. This is an attempt on their part to show you that you are of value to them. This should be celebrated and also met with reciprocity. 

How to heal from an abusive relationship

Now that you’ve identified the abusive behavior, it’s time to heal from it. This can be accomplished with or without the person in your life, but the behavior needs to have come to a stop. In this section, you’ll focus more on yourself rather than the other person. 

Identify your own toxic behaviors

Identifying abuse is never fun. Identifying your own troubling behavior is even more unpleasant. It’s easier to find flaws in others and to blame them for our suffering. But in many cases, we create our own suffering. It’s understandable for you to have developed behaviors that may not be beneficial for you.

This is a response from previous trauma, energetic blocks, and past lives. Give yourself grace while you try to identify any behaviors, but also be honest with yourself. The journey to healing can’t start unless you know where you are on the map. Write down any behaviors that you would like to work on. If you’re feeling really brave, you can ask somebody that you care about to give you some behaviors to work on. 

Identify any links to the abuse

Take an intuitive approach when finding any connections between your toxic behaviors, and the abuse that you experienced. It’s okay if you are just writing things down and you’re not sure if the behavior is related to any particular abuse. The point of the exercise is for you to bring the past experiences and your current behaviors to your conscious awareness. Just looking at the issues is half of the battle. If you can admit to yourself that you’ve developed character flaws because of your past abuse, then this empowers you to undo them as well.  

Ask how the experience can be used constructively

We’ve come to this earth to have experiences. There is no point in any of it if we don’t use them to create a better future for ourselves and those around us. There are many people who are suffering and are actively seeking out help from those that can understand what they are going through. Perhaps you can be a guiding light for someone that is experiencing a similar situation that you’ve already been through. Just knowing that there are others that have made it out on the other side can give someone hope that the suffering won’t last forever. Your past traumatic experiences may even lead you down a career path that was specifically designed for you this entire time. You may be the one to help someone else heal from an abusive relationship.

Take Action Step to Change your behavior

Similarly to how you observe behavioral changes in others, it’s time to put in the physical work and do the same for yourself. You’ll acknowledge the behavior that you want to change, then you’ll choose a different way to behave instead. It sounds simple, but it’s not easy to execute. These are subconscious behaviors that you have to consciously change. With repetition and time, you’ll be able to form new neural pathways to better behavior. Eventually they will become second nature, or subconsciously performed.  Creating new, stronger boundaries will help prevent future abuse from happening again. 

Forgive the Abuser

The path to forgiveness is through understanding how the abuser came to behave that way in the first place. Nobody is born to cause pain to others. This behavior develops as a result of trauma that was most likely directed towards them at a young age. In order to heal from an abusive relationship, you must remember that they were probably once victims too. As victims, they needed someone to protect them, or to at least show them how to not let the abuse control who they are today. Anyone has the potential to take a dark road as a result of abuse, including you. So having empathy towards them will help release the grip of resentment so that healing can take place instead. This also a good opportunity to clear karma through forgiveness.

There will always be a path to salvation, but the path must be illuminated first. If you successfully heal from an abusive relationship, you also heal your future lineage as well. These changes become systemic and everlasting. The future will look brighter because of your work in this.